The Art of Condolences

The Art of Condolences

Expressing concern for those going through illness and loss is not easy for most people. With cancer in 2013 and the recent deaths of my grandmother and my Brother's wife, I have received many forms of ... love. Love is the only word that fits here. Commuter Family has been the recipient of phone calls, visits, emails, texts, facebook messages, notes,  scarves, clothes, meals, baked goods, shopping, errands, rides, books, plants, flowers, cookies, chocolate, cards, stories and other gifts of the heart. These have come from family, friends, work colleagues, my kids' school and our Temple clergy and staff.

This week I received a large padded envelope. A dear friend and respected work colleague sent the beautiful art of her young children and a hand written note on pretty stationary to convey her thoughts for us and my Brother's family. When I had cancer, she also took me to lunch and presented me with a thoughtful gift accompanied by the art of her oldest child.

Just a few weeks ago I received another similar envelope. It had a luxurious and unique scarf from a considerate friend and Temple staff member who has shown empathy for my cancer journey since I was first diagnosed. Two years ago exactly, I was deciding what treatment path to take and this kind woman was part of my support group from the first.

Picture does not show the softness of the velvety fabric and the rich colors. I wore it to a holiday dinner Sunday night with a black satin blouse.

I have learned to accept help and ask for help. Last week I reached out to three generous women who are mothers I have met through Oldest Son and are my true friends. They delivered dinner for my family and my Brother's family. We also had food sitting literally on our front porch the afternoon we returned from London - this gift from another "super duper special mother friend" met via Youngest Son. The food and the thoughtfulness nourished our souls in a horribly difficult time.

I am amazed at the number of emails and phone calls I have received from the various clergy at Temple Emanu-El. Likewise the meals, notes and reach out from Greenhill School has been tremendous. I was surprised and am comforted.

There are an endless number of examples just like these that I could describe. Thank You. Thank You a million times over. It has been an exhausting two years. I am forever grateful to all for surrounding my family and me.

Time Recaptured

Sometimes my country Southern upbringing wraps around me like a familiar, comfortable sweater. I can feel my Texas twang seep into conversations and especially my exclamations. The interplay of genuine hospitality and a dusty warm afternoon sipping sweet ice tea is like a calming balm.

Yesterday was one of those days.

Yesterday brought back a list that neither my children nor I often experience living inside the loop in Dallas:

• Crossing a rusty cattle guard and opening the gate to a grassy, mesquite tree filled pasture
• Sitting on a wrap around front porch avoiding the dirt dobbers dashing about our selected spot
• Feeling the soft breeze off the hills of central Texas while attempting to stay in the shade
• Walking across uneven cracked, linoleum floors to stand in front of a cool window unit air conditioner
• Listening to the sounds of dirt bikes and the hoops and hollers of the riders
• Stepping around cow patties and prickly cactus
• Watching bursts of color all around us as both the real kids and grown-up kids set off fireworks purchased from a beside-the-road stand 

But the best part is intangible and hard to describe. Growing up with cousins, aunts, uncles and life-long friends in a small town has a cadence. To recapture that rhythm and the associated chaos even for an afternoon is a gift. 

Commuter Husband, Oldest Son and I spent Sunday in Jacksboro, Tx. We were welcomed into our friends' slice of Americana where the relationships are the unrivaled part. While we were technically the outsiders, we were easily embraced by the gathering of kin. Land and a house tie this group's past, present and future together. They are so fortunate.

And for a day, we were fortunate too. The thought of the chirping cicadas as dusk rolled into a night filled with big bright stars brings a smile even as I type these words ...

Commuter Husband sprays the wasp nest as Oldest Son and Friend dash out of range. Supposedly there were 30 wasps targeted!

Teenage boys and dirt bikes ... Enough said.

Front porch swings are timeless.

Placing fireworks - it was a spectacular show!

Just sitt'in on the front porch ...

"The Farm" house with a thousand stories.

A windmill. A sunset. Simple pleasures.

An Exquisitely Imperfect Day

The Week - Background

Tough week all around ... coming into Friday mentally exhausted.

Friday Morning - Starts Well

Youngest Son's 12th birthday started with a family tradition: breakfast in bed. Commuter Husband rolled out Beignets, fried them up and served them with powdered sugar and lemon wedges. Commuter Husband is also the card giver in our foursome. A recently emerging trend for male family members is the selection of greeting cards that fall into the gross or raunchy or bathroom humor categories which brings great amusement to the boys.

Youngest Son awakes to goodies and gifts. Look closely at card ... oh my.

Friday Evening - Goes a Wire

6:20 pm: Commuter Husband realizes he forgot to purchase items needed for birthday celebration.

6:40 pm: I arrive home to bake a Cola Cake for Youngest Son's birthday which needs to be ready by 8:30 pm.

6:45 pm: Commuter Husband arrives home with Cola Cake ingredients along with ice cream.

6:47 pm: Dang. I realize we are missing margarine and buttermilk which are not two household staples. Commuter Husband rushes back to the grocery store.

7:05 pm: Commuter Husband arrives home.

7:14 pm: I put Cola Cake in oven and get frosting ready to cook. We did it. I should have just enough time to cook and frost. Whew.

7:44 pm: DING! Cola Cake is ready to pull from oven. I walk into kitchen filled with the aroma of ... burning marshmallows! We know our oven is going out and new ovens are on the remodel list. I pull out the ruined Cola Cake. New ovens just moved up the priority list. #%%$$!!@@#

The top is burned and the middle is swishy and not cooked!

7:45 pm: I head to Sprouts for some edible item in which to put candles. Commuter Husband heads out to pick up Youngest Son and three buddies from LAX practice which finishes at 8:00 pm.

7:59 pm: Commuter Husband texts me "thank god for ev mode no gas n ur car" ... even a Prius runs out of gas eventually! He ran out of gas on the way to pick up kids and managed to get to gas station in electric mode. Oh my gosh.

8:05 pm: I have returned home with the makings for ice cream brownie fudge sundaes.

Not the original plan but it is festive and yummy!

8:14 pm: Commuter Husband arrives home with four boisterous tweener boys of which two need dinner.

8:16 pm: While cutting up an apple for the hungry boys, I slice two fingers and blood starts pouring out. I wrap my hand in a dish towel. I briefly sit down with my head between my legs to keep from fainting.

8:19 pm: We get food on the table and Commuter Husband bandages two fingers on my left hand. Commuter Husband and I look at each other and completely crack up. We have reached the point where laughter is the only recourse.

8:25 pm: Neighbors start arriving to share birthday goodies with Youngest Son. We add three more adults, a six year old girl, a tweener girl, a female teenager and male teenager into our crazy house. Let's not forget to mention we are in the middle of a remodel so there is no furniture in place in which to properly house these guests.

8:35 pm: We sing Happy Birthday, pop open the old-fashioned coke bottles for kids, pour wine for the ladies and grab beers for the men.

9:00 pm: Kids are literally running the neighborhood between yards playing some kind of game with various Nerf weapons. Adults are sitting in the front yard with a Spring breeze whispering around us.

9:30 pm: Commuter Husband breaks out the first aid kit again to doctor an eleven year old's knee gash injured while scaling a fence.

The night air is filled with noise, chaos, giggles, chatter, hugs, stories, screams and surprises.

10:00 pm: The informal party winds down.

What a great day. This day was not perfectly orchestrated and definitely not efficiently executed. This day was filled with a range of emotions that we shared with old and new friends. An exquisitely imperfect day.

11 Months Post-Op: Clean Up Surgery Day 1

Under the influence of two of these pain killers right now - feeling loopy.

Commuter Husband and I arrived at Presbyterian hospital this morning at 5:15am. I was home by 12:30pm.

Women who have a mastectomy often have dog ears. I posted about this on November 3 CLICK HERE. My insurance did cover the surgery as part of the Breast Cancer scope of services.

My Plastic Surgeon removed my dog ears this morning. I am fondly calling this Clean Up Surgery. I have not seen what it looks like under the lengthy bandage that runs from under one arm pit across my entire chest to the other arm pit. No drains required this time which is good. I am feeling quite sore, resting in bed and popping the pain killers today. Commuter Husband is patiently taking care of me. Thoughtful friends entertained the boys this morning and another sweet friend brought us dinner for tonight. I will be able to shower Sunday and expect to be well on the way to recovery next week.

The desired end result is a smooth, flat chest and under arm area without the skin flaps and "bumps." I will have a much longer scar but hoping the scar tissue is not too bothersome. Stay tuned.

The last part of this journey will be genetic testing which I am still working on whether insurance will cover or not. 

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Tweeners, Teens & Thanksgivikah!

Neighbor Girls brought the centerpiece over for our table - the other side has a real apple!

When we are in Dallas, we host Thanksgiving. We always run the Turkey Trot in downtown Dallas and we invite family, neighbors and friends for a feast. This year had added oomph since it is also Chanukah. And this year our house of 14 did did not include a child - for the first time. The youngest in our home was 11 years old which is officially a tweener. We also had five teenagers and a college student.

I mixed my Mother's 1960's gold & white plates, Commuter Husband's mother's water glasses and our everyday dishes to create an eclectic table. 

Jewish and Christian prayers were recited before we filled our plates with turkey and stuffing along side the latkes and kugel. We arranged the tables to all sit together with wine for the adults and organic sparkling apple cider for the non-adult and non-child crowd. Kids bantered while the adults discussed the philosophy of  higher education in England, Germany and USA.

Thanksgivikah Red Velvet Cup Cakes - courtesy of Neighbor Girl (age 11.) 

Commuter Husband thinks this is a fire hazard. I think it is perfect.

After dinner we kindled the lights of the 2nd night of Chanukah while Oldest Son recited the prayers in English and Hebrew. We had another first this year: a White Elephant gift exchange. It was a fun way to share the tradition of Chanukah gifts with our tweener and teenage crowd who did not hesitate to make the big steals!

The holiday wrapped up around 10:15pm when that final piece of the puzzle was placed in our traditional Thanksgiving Day puzzle!

Woo Hoo! A collaborative effort throughout the day. We purchased this puzzle last Summer at Mesa Verde just for Thanksgivikah 2013!

The S in BFsF

Brunette BF, Blond BF and I all wore one of these in our version of Friday Night Lights at Alvarado High School.

I hesitate to use the popular BFF because it seems so singular. However, there really is no one BFF for me. I am fortunate to use a plural version: Best FriendS Forever (BFsF).

Earlier this week I attended the funeral of the mother of one of my two best friends from Jr. High and High School. Brunette BF and Blond BF have been my best friends since we were 12 years old. That calculates to 36 plus years. The three of us grew up together and each chose different paths upon high school graduation. Currently, Brunette BF's daughter is expecting her first baby, Blond BF's daughter is in college figuring out her life path and I still have an 11 year old grabbing my hand to hold. We are lucky when we see each other more than once a year but there have been years with no face to face interaction. It does NOT matter. We are still those young girls whose core remains same and we share an understanding and love of who we each truly are on the inside. I know for a fact that these two beautiful BF(s)F would do anything for me. Last night we grabbed three precious hours to catch up. We are each grateful and focus on the time we do have versus the time we do not.

This morning Oldest Son had the privilege of be one of those honored at the Bar Mitzvah of one of his BFsF. Oldest Son and Jewish BF met when Oldest Son kept biting Jewish BF. They were two years old. The Temple Emanu-El Preschool director said either they will be best friends or worst enemies. Fortunately in 2002, these two year old boys chose the former. Jewish BF told this story in his D'var Torah (lesson interpreting bible text) today to illustrate the presence of G-d everywhere who puts people in your path in mysterious ways indeed. Jewish BF talked about how they will be best friends forever. Jewish BF then called Oldest Son to the bimah to help lead the Kiddush, the prayer over the wine (or grape juice in this case), and the Ha-motzi, prayer over the Challah (braided bread.)  Oldest Son has a gift more valuable than he can possibly understand at 13 years old.

Like my BFsF and me, these two boys have already chosen different paths. They have different schools, different areas of focus and different day-to-day friends. It does NOT matter. When they are together, they are just two life-long 13 year old teenage boys enjoying the time they have and knowing there will always be a next time.

Jewish BF and Oldest Son at Temple Emanu-El standing together on the bimah in front of the ark. Not pictured: ridiculously proud parents holding back tears!

Unexpected Gifts

Yesterday, I did what friends do. I was simply present. The reality of the last half of adult life is that it includes many doctors, hospitals and funerals. We are taking care of our own bodies which are just starting to age as well as addressing the ailments of our parents and grandparents.

And it is okay. There are many gifts in these kinds of days.

BFF's Husband and I spent the first half of the day in Baylor hospital's comfortable waiting area. I was juggling client conference calls on my iPhone and work emails on my laptop. In between, I received my first gift.

I have known BFF's Husband since college and that would be 30 years! We discussed how each of our jobs are going at the moment. Then, we talked about politics including Wendy Davis's campaign for Governor of Texas, the Republican Party far right leadership situation and the impact of the abortion provisions of Texas HB2. The interesting part is that I often avoid talking politics with BFF and BFF's Husband because through the years I keep moving more and more to the liberal side of issues and not all my friends (old and new) are there with me. The truly fascinating part is that my BFF's Husband's comments, thoughts and opinions had much more in common with mine than I would have ever imagined. I so appreciated and enjoyed his insights and honest dialogue and his openness to my views. While waiting for BFF to come out of her surgical procedure, a slice of time was our gift and we used it to share our minds in intelligent conversation.

The afternoon was spent with BFF in her hospital room discussing the successful procedure, sharing a heart healthy lunch and catching up on life. BFF and I turn 50 in 18 months so we used this time to plan our birthday blow out. We have the venue, entertainment, theme, location, food and drinks planned! My second gift was this conversation about celebrating life. BFF's Husband pointed out to us the irony of having this conversation in a Baylor Heart and Vascular hospital room. BFF and I looked at each and smiled - exactly!

The third gift is love. This love is why BFF sat with me in a breast surgeon's office last December as I learned what my options would be to rid my body of cancer. This love is why I was at the hospital while my friend's heart was fixed.

Over the next 30 years we will likely share doctor visits, hospital waiting rooms and graveside good byes. Thank goodness I do not have to do it alone.

An Open Mind

Turkish Prince, Youngest Son, Artist Friend's Daughter and Turkish Daughter explore with light, color, shadows, movement and touch. 

I have a friend who takes me to places I would not think to go. My Artist Friend helps me see the world in ways I would not consider. Tonight she lead us to Aurora, a free contemporary art exhibit, in Dallas Art's District.

Our dear Turkish Friends are visiting: Turkish Father, American Turkish Friend (Noah's 11 year friend for the last 9 years), Turkish Daughter (age 8) and our Turkish Prince (almost 4.) We all ventured into the perfect Texas night to view the lights, music and videos.

Youngest Son "I don't get some of this stuff." That is good. Art can make you feel or think or consider thoughts that are outside your comfort zone.

Art opens your mind. An Open Mind is a beautiful thing.

Perhaps this photo is slightly artistic ... for me anyway. Turkish Prince skirts behind Artist Friend's Daughter as Youngest Son embraces the moment.

Imagine "Singing in the Rain" and these umbrellas opening and closing to the music ... hear the snap of the nylon? This installation made me feel happy and unable to resist twitching to the beat as I thought of Gene Kelly jumping in the puddles.

Shakespeare in the Park ... in Dallas

Our very own "Youth Group" watching the warm up action on stage!

Last night our Commuter Family attended Shakespeare in the Park at Samuell-Grand Park. We along with about 25 others were guests of a generous friend, Shakespeare Patron. Each season Shakespeare Patron invites friends to bring their kids and enjoy this amazing venue. Shakespeare Patron provides seating as well as scrumptious food and drink. We just have to show up. These outings fall into my favorite nights of the year in Dallas. Our Shakespeare Patron simply wants to share her love of Shakespeare and hopefully inspire our kids.

The delicious menu of homemade items included potato salad, salmon sandwiches, cheese & pesto sandwiches, berry fruit bowls, cheese & crackers, deviled eggs, hummus & pita, dipping veggies, nuts, cookies, organic sodas, wine and beer. 

The play was The Winter's Tale which is tragedy, romance and comedy. It is an uneven play but seemed to have something for everyone. It is definitely bawdy in places. The naughty dance of shirtless men with sheep horns and a carrot strategically placed around their waist brought grins to young and old!

Youngest Son and Oldest Son eat and drink while waiting for The Winter's Tale to begin.

Intermission.

Go to Shakespeare Dallas - the acting and productions are impressive and fun!

Friendship in Bodrum, Turkey

Youngest Son and American/Turkish Friend exploring the Mediterranean Sea shore at sunset. Love this image.

Youngest Son and I concluded our spectacular trip with our kind hearted Turkish Friends in Bodrum this past weekend. We could see the islands of Greece from Bodrum, Turkey. 

Love. Friendship. Laughter. Forever. Commuter Family & Turkish Family.

Our Turkish breakfast included cheeses, watermelon, tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, toasted bread, jams, honey, eggs , tea and coffee. The soft white cheeses are my favorite.

We ate breakfast under the tall trees looking over the sea. Soft waves create the sound of peace.

After breakfast, Youngest Son tramples me at checkers - many times.  

Turkish Daughter building sand castles. 

Youngest Son, Turkish Daughter and American/Turkish Friend hold tight to the tube!

"Ball" is the universal language for boys the world over ...

Bodrum has many bays and we visited one with a fancy marina. Youngest Son, Turkish Daughter and American/Turkish Friend preparing to enter this very unique art gallery in an old building on the bay. 

Youngest Son recognizing squiggly lines in the paintings are really stick figures depicting the intended message.

In another Bodrum Bay with local artists - this one is firing glass figures.

Midnight Tea oozing with ambiance ...

Youngest Son jumps off the deck into the clear, cool water.

Youngest Son is sporting that European look! 

Generous Grandpa, Turkish Mother's Father, treats us to a feast of baked fresh fish and vegetables. 

Grandpa, Youngest Son (this is his plate) and American/Turkish Boy each savor the meat of the fish head. I took a pass on this body part.

We will be back ...

Some Days Are Perfect

Our days are woven together with the excitement of the new and the familiarity of everyday family life. Turkish culture is one of great hospitality ...

WEDNESDAY - A Day On and Around Bağdat Avenue & Family Time
We started our day on Bağdat Avenue. Turkish Mother, Turkish Mother's Sister and I shopped while Youngest Son and American/Turkish Friend browsed in book store. My Makeover Part 2 (Part 1 was the previous day) continued. I now have several pieces of stylish clothing that fit so nicely!

We lunched by the Sea of Marmara and took a walk along the colonnade where huge houses from the Ottoman Empire faced the sea, the blue bike lane was filled with relaxed riders and children played in the parks.

Youngest Son and American/Turkish Friend are very excited to look at islands through the seaside scope.

Turkish Mother, Youngest Son and American/Turkish friend pick out yummy gelato after our seaside stroll.

We spent the afternoon with Turkish Father's mother i.e. Turkish Grandmother. Turkish Grandmother and Turkish Mother's Sister (kids' aunt) both live off  Bağdat Avenue on the Asian side in city apartments.

Turkish Grandmother's three bedroom apartment is on the 10th floor.

The most wonderful park is down the street. The park has state of the art equipment (some I have never seen in US), sculpted flower beds, a large rose garden, water fountains and a pretty pond. Youngest Son, American/Turkish Friend, Turkish Daughter and Turkish Prince played and played and played ...

Youngest Son is swirling around on the left and Turkish Daughter is finishing her ride on the right - this is so fun!

 

All four kids, ages 3 1/2 to 11, play tag on the ship. See Youngest Son in yellow on middle stairs. Children have endless energy!

Youngest Son, Turkish Daughter and American/Turkish Son happily walk and chat with Turkish Mother's Sister on the walk back from park.

The evening brought a homemade Turkish feast at Turkish Grandmother's apartment. Once again Youngest Son and I thoroughly enjoyed the ten different Turkish dishes! At 9pm, the whole neighborhood started beating pots and pans and whistling from their apartment windows and balconies to support the protests. Youngest Son, American/Turkish Friend and Turkish Prince happy joined with chorus from Turkish Grandmother's balcony.


Youngest Son holds the pot while American/Turkish Friend bangs it loudly with a spoon.

THURSDAY - The Grand Bazaar
Thursday was the perfect girls' day and I will remember it forever. Turkish Mother, Turkish Mother's Sister and I crossed the Bosphorus on a ferry to get to the Old City. We climbed the steep and narrow streets to arrive at the Grand Bazaar. Grand is the exact right word.

One of many gates to the Grand Bazaar.

Turkish Mother and Turkish Mother's Sister guided me through the hundreds of indoor shops to those select merchants that that they have visited most of their life. We started at the bag and purse shop - let's just say I am set. We were then taken to a secret door - seriously - that opened into luscious scarves of all colors and fabrics. The 23 year old Lebanese/Turkish man who assisted us was incredibly handsome and completely charmed us with his scarf tieing magic.  We sipped on Turkish tea as we played among the silks and cashmeres. We then lunched at a quaint cafe and chatted about our family histories which included sad, watery eyes at some points but mostly exemplified the feminine strength on which we and our families depend.

Our lunch finished with an impressive presentation of Turkish Delight, water with mint & lemon, liqueur and Turkish coffee.

Our afternoon brought a visit to the rug dealer, jewelry shops and general browsing. Turkish Mother's Sister helped me find the rare items with a Star of David. An antiquities shop had some intriguing Jewish pieces from 19th century Ottoman Empire - while tempting were far beyond my pocket book. The day of Grand Bazaar shopping completed My Makeover (Part 3) - Turkish Mother and Turkish Mother's Sister made me feel so incredibly special in a way that only true friends can do.

Handmade pillow cases with vibrant colors at the rug dealer.



The gate we exited from the Grand Bazaar - notice the year.

As we made our way out of the Grand Bazaar and down the streets, Turkish Mother's Sister guided us into the Armaggan which was an art gallery and an upscale department store. The modern art was fantastic.

What do you think? (get it?)

We caught the ferry back across the Bosphorus and browsed the ancient city streets. We made a few more purchases of sweets and finally rested our weary feet with an excellent Cafe Latte.

View of Haydarpasa Train Station from ferry.

Shop is hundreds of years old . I got a walnut and grape confection that I love.

Traditional Turkish sweets ...

And the grand day concludes with a family walk through the forest. Turkish Father, Turkish Mother, Turkish Mother's Sister, all four kids and I listen to the birds, look over the fields of wheat and admire the wild ferns growing under the trees. Peaceful and perfect.

Turkish Father, Turkish Prince and Youngest Son ... no description required.